I'm not going to lie and say I'm a happy person all the
time.
There are days I don't want to be around anyone,
literally. My illnesses affect me in a
vastly complex ways. I have a wonderful GP who I wouldn't be here if I hadn't
met over fifteen years ago.
He and a few others over the years have said I should write
down what I feel and maybe get it off my chest. This more important than ever
now there are such high demands for mental health support and limited one-on-one
sessions. So here is a snippet.
Slipping through the cracks of what used to be a life.
People turning away from me because my dark thoughts aren't
so nice.
I've been feeling down for quite some time now: four years,
maybe five.
Memories of better times and now my daughter are what keep
me ticking by.
Week in week out at night I'm sat alone.
I can't watch the TV and abject misery it brings.
I've heard so many tell me, "You're young. Things will
change..."
With two chronic illnesses, a little girl, no prospects
and
no support, no confidant to engage.
I wonder how people can pass on by when I am one of millions
more,
shuffled to the side-lines abandoned and ignored.
They say I'm angry , bitter and mean, no wonder I am alone....
But once I had support and was standing tall, all on my own.
I've had that support taken from me; there's no one left to
hear my cries.
I can't take much more of these cuts;
I can see why others have already died.
I am angry that alone I have to fight:
for my dignity and fair treatment just to stay alive.
I didn't choose to live this way. It's not a choice anyone
makes
but I slipped between the pavers of the rules governments
make.
I couldn't toe the line enough; my minds not built that way.
I’m creative and loving and whimsical;
but that's nowhere
near enough these days.
Society's become so crippled with wise cracking and a
vicious streak,
with everyone's inadequacies barely hidden underneath.
To point at others and mock them and deflect the heat from
you:
it's a game of poker faces, laughing – until the fingers
point at you.
So who is next to feel this despair then, who's next to be
singled out?
Because these cuts are only just starting of that I have no
doubt.
If you think that your life's perfect and people like me
bring it on ourselves,
remember I wasn't always like this. I used to be someone
else.
I had a job, I worked hard; and played hard too, just like
you.
Then an illness took me over and that could so easily happen
to you too.
Circumstances balance on a razors edge. We never realise
what we were truly
blessed with till we are left with nothing.
.....
Where is the exit? I'm off!
Anyone else who feels like this sometimes, I hope this helps
you see you are not alone xx
June, 2015, A Contributor
