Thursday, 25 June 2015

Slipping Through The Cracks

I'm not going to lie and say I'm a happy person all the time.
There are days I don't want to be around anyone, literally.  My illnesses affect me in a vastly complex ways. I have a wonderful GP who I wouldn't be here if I hadn't met over fifteen years ago.
He and a few others over the years have said I should write down what I feel and maybe get it off my chest. This more important than ever now there are such high demands for mental health support and limited one-on-one sessions. So here is a snippet.

Slipping through the cracks of what used to be a life.
People turning away from me because my dark thoughts aren't so nice.
I've been feeling down for quite some time now: four years, maybe five.
Memories of better times and now my daughter are what keep me ticking by.
Week in week out at night I'm sat alone.
I can't watch the TV and abject misery it brings.
I've heard so many tell me, "You're young. Things will change..."
With two chronic illnesses, a little girl, no prospects 
and no support, no confidant to engage.
I wonder how people can pass on by when I am one of millions more, 
shuffled to the side-lines abandoned and ignored.
They say I'm angry , bitter and mean, no wonder I am alone....
But once I had support and was standing tall, all on my own.
I've had that support taken from me; there's no one left to hear my cries.
I can't take much more of these cuts;
I can see why others have already died.
I am angry that alone I have to fight:
for my dignity and fair treatment just to stay alive.
I didn't choose to live this way. It's not a choice anyone makes
but I slipped between the pavers of the rules governments make.
I couldn't toe the line enough; my minds not built that way.
I’m creative and loving and whimsical;
but that's nowhere near enough these days.
Society's become so crippled with wise cracking and a vicious streak,
with everyone's inadequacies barely hidden underneath.
To point at others and mock them and deflect the heat from you:
it's a game of poker faces, laughing – until the fingers point at you.
So who is next to feel this despair then, who's next to be singled out?
Because these cuts are only just starting of that I have no doubt.
If you think that your life's perfect and people like me bring it on ourselves,
remember I wasn't always like this. I used to be someone else.
I had a job, I worked hard; and played hard too, just like you.
Then an illness took me over and that could so easily happen to you too.
Circumstances balance on a razors edge. We never realise
what we  were truly blessed with till we are left with nothing.
Where is the exit? I'm off!

Anyone else who feels like this sometimes, I hope this helps you see you are not alone xx

June, 2015, A Contributor

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